“When we are happy, we are always good, but when we are good, we are not always happy.”
― Oscar Wilde,
“I wondered why I couldn’t go the whole way doing what I should any more. This made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn’t go the whole way doing what I shouldn’t, the way Doreen did, and this made me even sadder and more tired.”
― Sylvia Plath,
“How does one react to kindness?” he’d been wondering this a lot lately.
It’d happen often now – with the autumn sun hitting his auburn curls and the kitten meowing ever so softly, he’d scribble and wonder, “Were people always this kind? Or was it because of something else?”
After years of abuse, this didn’t seem normal – he couldn’t take that people could be this kind.
To him ‘twas a myth
Now that, it was there out of the blue that too – he couldn’t. Kindness wasn’t his thing so as to say.
“It’s better to burn out than to fade away.”
― Kurt Cobain
“He: What’s the matter with you?
Nothing was slowly clotting my arteries. Nothing slowly numbing my soul. Caught by nothing, saying nothing, nothingness becomes me. When I am nothing they will say surprised in the way that they are forever surprised, “but there was nothing the matter with her.”
― Jeanette Winterson,
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald
That’s what it seemed like, and his depressive state of mind wasn’t helping
He had gone out (sunlight had hit him after days) and bought a length of rope – thick, jute-y and heavy, perhaps he could try the hangman’s knot now (?) After all, who’d really care if one more light went out? Sure – people might miss him but his loss won’t really change anyone’s life – now would it?
Irony of this situation was, no one realized how lonely, how sad he was – no one saw the light fading from his eyes.
Now that his life was slowly breaking – slipping away; a moment at a time, he realized this –
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper
And not just this, while he was loner, it never felt right, sure he’d be happy in a fleeting or two, but it’d never feel right.
He now sat and let this feeling consume him, while he fiddled with the knots and pricked his skin with the cool metal of the blade.
“I mean, you could claim that anything’s real if the only basis for believing in it is that nobody’s proved it doesn’t exist!”
― J.K. Rowling
He’d been sleeping more,
Crying into a pillow –
Water stains and cigarette butts
Empty glasses and alcohol stink
He’d been sadder,
A deep hue of blue –
Bloodless blade and needle
Hangman’s knot and metal peripherals
He’d not be sad anymore
“I feel like I’ve been split open and stuffed with sunshine.”
― Tahereh Mafi,