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Noctis Verses

“You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.” ― Saul Bellow

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Let’s write

Misse(d)

I oftentimes wondered, how would I react to when someone said they missed me? Would I react appropriately, would I come across as an arse? Or something else perhaps.

The other thing would be — what about those who are missed? Would I be able to get my message across to them, would I be able to tell them how much they mean, how much they are missed?

Lately, my boy has been telling me about how much he misses me — and however much I tell him it’s mutual he doesn’t seem to really believe it (not that I blame him) since perhaps my actions aren’t matching with my words or perhaps it’s something else entirely. But, I hope he does realise that I miss him — when he leaves at 21 hours everyday – I miss him then too.

Not to mention, that with him it wasn’t the lonely kind of missing at 2 in the night, it was more on the lines 3 in the afternoon — surrounded by people but, not him.

When I say I miss him — it isn’t the corny “Oh, I miss him” it’s more “I wish he was here”

Someday, somewhere — I hope I can respond in kind to people, those who make an effort to have me in their lives, those who have mentioned they miss, those who have bothered with me

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Breather

It’s been suffocating lately.

I feel like a mime stuck inside a box — no room to breath, no room to move.

Stuck in a monotonous cubicle — with a smogged cityscape behind me with its towering concrete and steel beams on the double.

Not that I was doing any better, nor was the suffocation helping.

To top it off, you know — being a mental health patient wasn’t worth it, with the depression, anxiety, insomnia and waking up in puddles of sweat due to cold sweat every time I slept — among others was keeping me rather grounded (chuckles)

But

I had my breather

I happened to write him a little something — while we sat under the evening sky with a friend

“Him (?)
Yes, him
The boy with the wicked smile —
Breather

In the glum suffocation,
Of the concrete
And of those smogged cityscape(s)
He was a breather”

(While it still stands incomplete – but)

While, I am still suffocating under all this concrete — my breather is keeping me afloat.

Here’s to the smile, that saves me from the suffocating in this concrete jungle

Back (!)

It’s been a long week – now that he was back it seems more homely.  This boy was becoming more valuable to me day after day – with each passing moment it was slowly slipping through the cracks between my clenched fingers (this was scary)

How did this person come to mean so much, so soon? Last I checked, while he did make me smile a bit more, I hadn’t let my walls down (yet, here he was making me smile a lot more I’d generally do)

But, now that he was back – this strange city felt more homely than usual, perhaps because he was back? 

Craving(s) ?

It was coming along to be a long week, a rather long. I would catch up myself picking up my phone in hopes of seeing his name pop up on the screen. 

People were assuming I was falling in love, how could I come to blame them – I was raving about this boy to everyone close to me, I wanted them to know about this boy; this fluff ball of sunshine, adding colour to my otherwise mundane life 

If someone would ask me who’d I like to be with at this given moment, his name would inevitably slip from between my pursed lips – if that’s what it was coming down to, why not? If missing someone enough would make me fall in love with their presence in my life, sure I wouldn’t disagree with it. 

My only regret at the moment would be that there was nothing I could do about this itch, this itch that was being created by the craving of their presence (Mind you, I don’t really do regrets

This one’s for the boy adding colour to my monotone

 

Love (?)

It’s almost midnight, there’s me, my loneliness and a bottle of Champagne – while I’d ideally pour for myself and put jazz on the vinyl tonight’s a bit different. I poured for two and put Sinatra on – probably I missed his smile, voice, him (?)

It was turning out to be an old school chic flick, with its sloppy romanticism and idyllic romantic symbolism

Here’s to being in love but not

Missin’

It’s been a while since I have genuinely missed a person to this extent, feels weird. 

I last met last him on saturday night, it’s middle of the day on a monday and all I think about is this boy with his wicked smile.

I realised since I last met him – it’d be a long week without him.

While I am sitting here typing this there’s a thought that’s been on the back of my head knocking in that annoying tone (Yes, that one) – Was I missing him because I was slowly falling in love, or was it because I was in love that I missed him or, perhaps neither but simply because he was mine?

While I did miss him, he had become more of a habit – but, I had missed a small detail this boy was in love with a girl (better than the dilapidated person I was) as was the girl with this sun of a person (why they won’t date isn’t my place to ponder – but, gosh they’d make a couple) why would I suddenly bring this up? Well, I am in a bit of conflict – should I fall in love with him and let this sunshine tan me beyond repair (one sided affairs aren’t really that pretty, are they?) or just soak him and be the girl that’s there for him and will be.

Back to me missing him, I look like a hopeless romantic – but the romance hadn’t even started; while yes, I was a hopeless romantic – this boy wasn’t a romantic interest, yet.

Yet, I miss him – miss like I haven’t missed anyone else in a long time

Wicked Smile(s)

How wicked do smiles have to be to make one fall in love with the person? He was becoming like the muse one searches for and fails to find – the type poetry has tried to immortalize time and again

I realized one thing over the past few weeks, this Joe with his smile and gleaming eyes – isn’t for the average person, this one’s made for a love that runs deep, not the shallow waters of flirtatious fun 

If I could, I won’t  think twice about becoming selfish with about this boy – this person has made me smile when I won’t even bother waking up. And if someone was to ask me one thing I will not do for this person – live. I won’t live for him, but I’d die for him, without a second thought; you’d wonder why? The answer is pretty straightforward to be honest – I wouldn’t want to be here, if its he’s not around. 

It was happening all too suddenly, while it’d not really mean much perhaps – he was creeping closer, I wasn’t really minding it, however what was bothering me – was how I didn’t really mind this person getting closer. Something that hadn’t happened in a while.

Here’s to his wicked smile – one I could almost fall in love with

Sunshine

There’s this boy I met – it’s been perhaps a little more than a month since I have come to know this person but, gosh – where was this person over the past year?

If anything, this person on some level would make me believe in goodness of people, of how some people just tend to shine brighter than their darkness. This boy, with this walnut-coffee eyes is my sunshine, oh and the way he smiles – those gentle crinkling of his eyes and the way his mouth curves up, one could fall in love with this boy – and won’t she be a lucky one!  

If someone was to ask me what he was to me, I’d answer (without skipping a beat, mind you) “Family“.

“I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” 

― John Green

This boy, was worth everything, he was greater than the sum of his parts. I couldn’t help but feel nothing affection for this ball of fluffy goodness, that seems to ooze out of him – and every time this boy is sad or is tilting towards it – I break a little inside, why? This boy deserves (if anything) nothing but the warm sun hitting him while he sits under the shade, with his favourite book sipping on coffee and chuckling every now and then

My life has been rather dark and messy lately – this person is one of the reasons I am alive, still here writing this. I hope this person realizes he’s loved and wanted and would start to appreciate himself more. People like me need people like him more than they need us, I would go to the moon and back for this person

“I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all these small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan but, talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely un-scatter me, and I appreciate that so much.”

― David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

Perhaps, words would never be enough to describe what he meant to me or what he has come to be.

So,
Here’s to him and his smile – and the boy who has become like family

Thank you, sunshine 

Kindness (?!)

How does one react to kindness?” he’d been wondering this a lot lately.

It’d happen often now – with the autumn sun hitting his auburn curls and the kitten meowing ever so softly, he’d scribble and wonder, “Were people always this kind? Or was it because of something else?

After years of abuse, this didn’t seem normal – he couldn’t take that people could be this kind.

To him ‘twas a myth

Now that, it was there out of the blue that too – he couldn’t. Kindness wasn’t his thing so as to say.

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